This is a guest post from Katie Persinger, The Summit Church’s Marketing Director. She wrote this a few years ago as part of an ongoing discussion about adultery among pastors, and her insights remain as relevant and wise as ever.
A lot of people ask why it seems common for men of faith to fall to adultery. While I don’t fully know the answer, I believe many pastors and other Christian men are at a higher risk for moral failure because they do not know how to have healthy relationships with women who are not their wives.
With a lack of understanding of how to have healthy relationships, the result is either no relationship at all or an unhealthy one that leads to emotional or physical barriers being crossed. I believe there’s a middle ground to be found.
Paul gives some of the only biblical instruction on platonic relationships to Timothy: “Treat younger men as brothers, older women as mothers, and younger women as sisters, with absolute purity” (1 Timothy 5:1-2).
We are in a family together, which means the “no relationship” model isn’t biblical. It also means that our relationships should be ones that protect the family as a whole. A sibling relationship implies the ability to relate to one another and the ability to joke, laugh, and share on some level.
Please hear what I am saying. Protecting our marriages is of the utmost importance and boundaries are important in any relationship. I respect and am a firm believer in the general boundaries we put in place as Christians.
Over the years, I have experienced a number of awkward conversations with men. Each time it happens I want to scream, “Just because a person is a woman does not mean you cannot have a conversation with her!” Come on, guys, don’t flatter yourselves: she’s not into you!
I love my husband; I’m crazy about him. I bring his name up in nearly every conversation I have. I respect him.
While I have a marriage built on a solid foundation of mutual grace, I’m not naïve enough to believe we are untouchable by sin and human error. We have to protect it. I also value the other women in his life. But my husband is also not exempt from this conversation. Other women make him nervous and uncomfortable. This conversation sends him running in the opposite direction.
I imagine that you pastors feel the same way about your wife and marriage. But I go to work every day to an office where my peers are mostly men. I must find a way to navigate through this. I have needed to navigate a bit of sexism, some awkward situations, and a few careful conversations. I get the sense that some of the men I have worked with find my very presence to be a threat to their purity.
Some of you may be thinking, “Well, yes, that’s not ideal. But is this really the problem? Does that sort of awkwardness put people at risk for affairs?”
A man who interacts with only one woman—his wife—develops a skewed understanding of “women” in general. The only male-female relationship he knows is a sexual one. So what happens when, despite his avoidance of women, he is forced to interact with one of us? There is often an unnaturally heightened tension.
Part of the reason for this is that guys fear any relationship with a woman who is not their wife is inherently wrong. So they aren’t open about these relationships, or they feel ashamed of them, or they lie to others to hide them. Then, when things start to actually go in a direction they shouldn’t, the alarm bells aren’t going off in this guy’s head. They’ve been going off the whole time (wrongly) and he’s trained himself to ignore them.
Pastors, you have responsibilities. Women trust you. They are vulnerable with you as spiritual leaders and see you as safe. You are respected and, right or wrong, put on a pedestal by your congregation. That puts you in a very vulnerable spot as well. When vulnerable meets vulnerable, emotions can be shared too easily.
How can we overcome this?
I’m not a teacher or counselor who has a lot of answers. I’m better known for my questions. But there are a few things that I believe could start the conversation in your church:
– Openness and honesty in community and small groups. Pastor J.D. has noted on several occasions to our staff that many moral failures–not just affairs, either–are a result of a lack of close friendships and community with fellow believers.
– Hire more women. Teach healthy relationships in a controlled environment. Place more women in prominent volunteer roles.
– At The Summit Church, we have open workspaces and shared offices so that conversations among both men and women happen in open, safe environments. All of our doors have windows.
– Keep yourself away from vulnerable situations with women, but do not avoid them. The best protection against affairs for most people is good and healthy relationships with multiple people of the opposite sex. You are still the leader of the church and should be accessible. Being above reproach does not mean being unapproachable.
– Pastors need to lead pastors in this. Address these things in your churches, on your blogs, and in your networks. Teach each other and hold each other accountable.
What about women?
Are we also at higher risk for moral failure if we are incapable of having healthy relationships with men? Probably. The difference between men and women is we’re not as often in a position of leadership where men come to us seeking our approval and help. We’re also faced with the reality of working with men more often. I’ve needed to learn how to effectively work with men and lead men in the roles I’ve been in. I have a lot of practice on the healthy side of these relationships.
By addressing some of these things, I believe we can avoid dangerous relationships without alienating the women in our churches and on our staff teams by having no relationship with them at all.
